Vehemently Vitriolic

With the addition of the lovely Mac a few weeks ago from my good friend (congrats on the new job! Like you read this!), I have the trinity of operating systems running: Kubuntu, my primary OS, the Mac running Tiger, and XP in a virtual machine for when the other two machines are  simply not crashing fast enough.The other day, a friend from work asked if I was on the Mac primarily now. Not likely, seeing as its a 433MHz and I can get most things done quicker with a hamster and a hammer. But, it did make me start thinking about the specific roles these machines play in my life. I came to some very startling conclusions in my deep introspection. And by startling I mean stupid.

Kubuntu Linux is my primary machine. It hold all the important information I need to have so I don’t  forget it. This machine is like the wife of the relationship. It’s rock solid, dependable, and is always there for me. It keeps me organized and (for the most part) out of trouble (especially Pulse audio. Its constant battles with ALSA and making Flash not work mean porn is pretty much out of the question. And yes, I like the sound). Oh sure, it will only go down on you a couple times a year or so. But when it does happen, you know its a momentous  event that happens only a few times in a life. Like Halley’s comet. So infrequently does this happen, it is almost always preceded by a panic of some sort as no one is quite sure what the hell is going on. You can dress her up, and sometimes she’ll even get downright nasty. But then, she’ll recall how in control of every situation she is.

She can do anything, and can be amazingly flexible, but its maddeningly difficult to figure her out. It takes years and years of trying every conceivable combination, until one day you just happen across a solution that sort-of works so you stay with it and are terrified of trying anything new with her in case you fuck it up.It starts out passionately, then dulls to a nice status-quo

.The Mac is the hot mistress. She looks gooooooood. Sexy and hot, yet polished on the outside, with familiar core on the inside. Shes much more intuituve than the wife, and it is WAY easier to get her to do things the wife would never do. She’s so easy to figure out that it almost makes one ashamed. Like you are taking advantage. But its just the way shes built. Shes there for you to touch, to explore. Ready for a ride anytime, but with exacting standards and pure elegance and sheer beauty. You love to show her off, and to make sure everyone sees you with her on your arm (or lap, if you have the cash). There are times where she’ll throw in some software that blows your mind and you contemplate leaving the wife for good to live happy, but in the end, you go back. You’ll always go back.And being a lady of taste, she’s so much more fucking expensive to keep happy.

She can do anything the wife can, but it will cost a few thousand more. On the plus side, shes pretty immune from viruses.

Which leaves Windows XP. XP is just the cheap hooker you go to when your wife is driving you crazy trying to edit a tiny little goddamn movie and add a still image that should take less than 5-seconds to do, and when the mistress wants $400 to do the same thing. XP is there like a whore, ready to  go any time, quick and dirty, long and drawn out, whatever you like. She’ll go down on you even when you don’t expect it, or want it. Every few hours if you’ll let her. She completely lacks pride, what with her backdoor always open, and a parade of nasty viruses. She can wear the same shade of lipstick as your mistress, but she competely lacks the elegance, the fire or the passion. She’ll make strides to make herself better, but its to no avail. Shes already come on every PC in the world!

Use her and you’re using all the other computers shes already been with. She’ll spread her floppy to anyone with a couple hundred bucks. She tries with her add-on software (like her twin Office) and updates to seem like a classy call-girl and it seems like such a dream to get the two of them together, but under the chic marketing little-black-dress are torn fishnets and running mascara from a night of debauchery with some trojans.Not to say she doesn’t have her place, but its a downright embarrassment to be seen in public with her. And as good as it might feel at the time, you just can’t shower that sort of humiliation off, and you are sure to slag her to anyone that will listen.

And don’t even get me started about the BeOS box. That chick is just a super-hot GILF.