Vehemently Vitriolic

You know what’s awesome about DELL? No really, I’m asking because I have no goddamn idea.

They sent a flyer around back in August. My beloved laptop had died, and I was in the market for a replacement.

“Heck” I thought “DELL can’t be THAT bad. They must certainly better than a steaming pile of poop left on my door by a rabid wombat with leprosy. Surely, even they could come through and shine next to something like that”

And yet, I was wrong. So very very wrong. A pile of shit actually EXISTS on your doorstep, unlike my laptop which appears to be made from solid Uranium and includes the flux capacitor which enables it to go back in time (I admit, I paid extra for the time machine-like abilities).

Most of this is totally my fault. I was pretty sure I read where the stoner kid in their commercials had become CEO, so I guess I should have expected the most ass-backwards system known to man.

I order the DELL on or about Aug 23. I go online and “customize” my 1525 and get the better screen, so I can read the LCD in any sort of wayward light. It tells me, okay, this might delay your order for a little while. But, I felt confident. Surely for $499 they would be selling a bajillion of these things and have parts coming in to march them out the door as fast as possible. But, I accepted that it may take an extra 2-weeks. I finish the order, put in my CC info, and get a confirmation email with a tracking number. It lists the date for shipping, and all is well.

So, after 2-weeks when my DELL has still not shown up, I decide, hey, lets give that there tracking number a try. Theres even a link right on the email for me to go to. Thanks DELL!

I go to the link, and put in the tracking number from the email, along with the exact postal code also in the email that they are shipping too. I hit the submit button thinking soon I will be graced with piles and piles of information.

What I got instead is that the DELL systems do not “understand” the number DELL has sent me. Their exact error was

We are unable to provide your order status at this time. Please verify the Order Number and Postal Code and try again. If your order was placed within the last 24 business hours, please try again tomorrow. If your order status is still unavailable after 48 business hours, please click here to contact us via email or call 1(800)847-4096

Perhaps, I thought to myself, it doesn’t understand lowercase, so I tried all caps for the postal code. No dice. Apparently this part of Canada is in the mysterious black-hole I’ve heard about. Probably something to do with CERN.

So, I happily call the number. It asks for my tracking number. Okay, done there you go Mr. Phonesystem! Bring me some good news!

The good news is that the flux capacitor part of the DELL had apparently already been built. I guessed this based on the phonesystem telling me my DELL laptop was shipped already. In fact, it was shipped April 21. Of 1999.

Yes, DELL was so on the ball and so clairvoyant, they had the good sense to start building me a laptop with parts and pieces that did not yet exist 8 YEARS before I had actually requested one. How they knew I personally would order this exact system is truly the 9th wonder of the world. Probably something to do with CERN. And yet, in those long 8-years DELL has been waiting, patiently, pining for me to order this machine, getting the screen I wanted in stock was well beyond their abilities. Although Canada Post is about the slowest thing short of a Java compiler (snort), even 9-years was 3-years more than it would normally take them.

All was not lost, however, for their existed a phone number to call. Perhaps to talk to a real human being. Perchance to dream.

Instead of investing their money in screens to put on laptops, DELL invested in an IVR system second to none. It is neigh-on impossible to actually talk to someone. Did you want parts? Actually, what you REALLY meant to push was the telephone tracker. Tech support? Yeah, we’ll just need your DELL tracking number. And for that, you’ll need to go to the telephone tracking system. Customer service? Absolutely! All we need is your DELL tracking number, which you can, conveniently, put into our telephone tracking system which thinks you are a completely brain dead moron for not picking up the package that was shipped to you 8-years ago.

I go to my favorite site for trying to contact ball-licking corporate entities, The Consumerist,  and noodle around until I find some actual numbers that really do actually technically work. I call, with hopeful resolve and a spring in my step! A yim and a yang yimminee yoo!

I get a very helpful young man who wants my DELL tracking number. Here ya go, lets get that good news now! And heres the conversation we had:

DELL: You can use the online form to track the shipping you know
Me: Yes, I tried that, but it said it couldn’t find my number.
DELL: It says here this was shipped in 1999. If you have not recieved it yet, I suggest talking to your local delivery stop
Me: Um well, see, the thing is……if you look at the creation date for this work order, its 2-weeks ago.
DELL: Yes, I see that, but it has already been delivered.
Me: Okay, but…no it hasn’t. I only ordered it a few weeks ago. Does it show that?
DELL: Yes
Me: Then how could it have shipped 9-years ago if I only placed the order two weeks ago?

We went on like this for a while until I realized I must have inadvertently asked him to explain gravitational anomalies using the Mobius equations rather than something simple like “can you tell me when the thing I ordered from you might actually come to my door”. Again, totally my fault.

I explained all I really wanted to was to watch on their tracking website when my DELL will not be shipped. This was again completely my fault, as I induced what is known as “The Phone Support Razor” which states that anytime you can get a customer off the phone when you are completely bewildered at what to do, do nothing, and tell them to check back when you are not there. This simple request meant he could say “I will update your account and check back on the site in 48-hours” meaning “I will do fuck-all, and the odds of you actually talking to me again are slim to none because I am going on vacation in 47-hours”. And, as all razors go, this one was true. 48-hours, and their tracking site was still mystified as to who I was

I found a form on some DELL site where I could email someone. I thought, A-HA! Filling out another form will surely get me some answers!

Keep in mind, this is on their .ca site. So, merrily away I go and fill out the form. Why they needed my street address, I wasn’t sure, but I filled it in. Probably something to do with CERN.

I fill the form, and submit. Error. Apparently my street is not valid. I live on a “saint” street. Lets say Saint CERN. So I re-fill the form with:

St CERN st
Saint CERN st
St. CERN street
St. CERN st.
Saint CERN street
ST. CERN Street
123 Fuck You st

ALL of which do not exist, apparently (though I’m sure my wife has asked me to go down to Fuck You street on more than one occasion). Every single one came back with the identical error that my street address was incorrect.I hadn’t noticed the house being transported through a rip in the space/time continuum here, but I suppose DELL would know better than I what is happening in my little town. And, being a web guy, this form wasn’t being sent and checked against a geo-caching program. This was way to fast for it to be coming back.  The form just plain sucked (which, as it turns out, appears to be par for the course for DELL. Perhaps they had the error checking being done on my non-existent laptop. Or a computer system at CERN.).

There was a bright spot, however, in all of this. For DELL takes customer retention very seriously. So serious, in fact, that they send me an email every 5-days letting me know they have NOT shipped my computer yet. That is how much they want me to keep them top of mind for when my friends ask me “Hey, we’re looking to buy something but not have it manfuactured or sent to us” I have a ready answer on the tip of my tongue for them. Every 5-days, when I have cooled down just enough to forget how brutally ridiculous they are, DELL makes sure I realize they have done absolutely nothing to find the rare lanthanide elements or summon the mythical Norse god required to make my screen in the past 5-days. Oh sure, 5-days is hardly enough time for DELL manufacturers to fly to the outer moons of Neptune to mine the raw materials clearly required for such a herculean feat of engineering as a 1525, but I am always so glad they remind every week on how inept they are.

Not to mention, I cannot WAIT for something to go wrong and I need to return it under warranty for repair. The fact that DELL is completey moronic when I am attempting to GIVE them money, I can only imagine when I want something from them for free. Something along the lines of “I’m sorry sir, this order number was shipped 9-years ago [13 before I actually get it] and is 8-years out of warranty”. Such fun times. I realize I am bitter and jaded and tend to believe there is no good in the world, but more than anything else, I believe there will be a problem with my laptop, and that it will never ever get fixed becuase my dual-core processor is 9-years old.

So here it is, nearly 2-months after ordering and I ask: Will I buy a DELL again? Well, technically they haven’t charged my card yet, so I haven’t purchased anything from them the first time. Which is a shame, becuase the interest rate I could have gotten 9-years ago would have been killer.

UPDATE: Seems DELL is happy to throw random dates into the equation now. Apparently Oct 31 is the new ship-by date. We’ll just keep that dream alive I suppose.