Vehemently Vitriolic

Last evening around dinner time, I was visited by the perennial pain-in-ass people known as the the Jehovahs Witnesses. They usually come on Saturday afternoons, but I guess conversion have been falling in this 3rd quarter, so the outreach program has been ramped up. “Goal oriented” are words I would use to describe the Witness breathren.
I’ll admit to being a godless heathen. I don’t believe or have faith, or whatever. I live in front of computer screens, so if there was a god, I’m pretty sure he would have given me some form of cancer (though, I use LCD’s now, so I guess I’ll have to find out what form of cancer they give off. Damn CRTs….such an easy stereotype) so I don’t sweat it.

However, I also have no problem with what people believe in. Whatever you believe in the privacy of your home is fine with me. Christ, Yaweh, Beezlebub, Welsh Rarebit, I really don’t care. I am quite aware that faith can be a huge thing to people, so I will even listen to their opening monologue before politely telling them I am not interested and to not bother us again. I don’t engage people in biblical inaccuracies or pretend I worship the devil.

This is not to say I was always this forgiving (must be tempering in my old age). Once a few years back they came to the house and asked if I had heard the message of the Lord. I said that I had not, but that I was new to email servers and its possible I had missed the memo. They replied that God directed them to come to me. “Wait” I started, “he directed you you here?”. “Yes!” they said. “Like right here?”. “Yes!”. “Oh my god, my address is in the BIBLE! That is AWESOME! I had no idea you guys worshipped the White Pages! I only rent the place so my name shouldn’t even appear, but I guess God has a better edition than the tri-cities puts out”. At which point they began to slowly back away.

So I don’t bait them, but I do ask they not bother us anymore as its fairly unlikely we will suddenly decide to convert. Its when they just keep coming around that gets me. I mean, even Canada Post will stop with junk mail if I ask, so I should be able to stop junk religion in the same way.

The thing is, of ALL the millions of religions in the world, I am not going to choose the one sold like encyclopedias. This, to me, is the fatal flaw of the marketing campaign for Jehovahs. Fro some reason, the PR department in the Witness church figured the best method of converting people is to follow the vacuum cleaner sales model from the 50′s. I don’t have raw numbers for vacuum sales, but nor do I have a Hoover bought after an in-house demonstration of throwing crushed Oreos all over my floor, so I would say its not that great a model. And besides, “face time” is sooooo 1990′s. Put an “i” in front of something and start an e-campaign to get those youth. Maybe a Facebook page or something. You’d get further promoting “iGod or “iWitness” than “No iBlood Transfusions”.

The door-to-door system brings out the other major flaw in the Witness sect: Do I really want to join the religion that allows the laziest and most sloth people on earth in? The people for whom possible eternal salvation is just too much of a hassle?

“Hello there. We are from the church just down the street. Have you accepted the lord Jesus Christ as your personal saviour?”

“Oh wow. You know, JUST the other day, I was contemplating the meaning of it all. Existance, life, how the minutae of all life as small as a blade of grass must be tied to something larger than I could possibly understand. And then, if so, how my soul could possibly be in perril and subject to an infinity of eternal punishment…….but I’ve just been soooo busy. I mean, what with Maury and Judge Judy being on every single afternoon, who has the time?”

“Well, we’ve brought the answer TO you!”

“Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa…..this isn’t my Batman glass”

“Sorry?”

“You mean, I don’t even have to leave the house to find eternal salvation?”

“Nope”

“Well, I’m still not sure. I’m not very good at making decisions…..”

“This little black book will make them for you!”

“Sign me up!”

“You don’t even have to do that!”

“Best religion EVER!”

This is my basic problem with most Christ-based religions (yes yes, I know most consider the Witnesses outside the scope of Christ-based as they do not believe in the trinity and that Jesus != God, but Christ is still the saviour for them, so we’ll use this loose definition for the time being until I can think of a better one that fits my rant better) in that anyway one can get in no matter who they are. Murdered fifty people? No problem! Like little boys? We’ll forgive you! Its like they need to pad their stats so when they have big religious conventions down in Vegas, they can go to the Muslim booth and show them their growth numbers for the year. The quality of the people doesn’t matter as much as the quantity, a marketing idea borrowed from Dennys.

No, if you’re looking for a new religion, what you really want is Judaism. This is the religion that doe snot even WANT you. Don’t believe me? Go tell a Rabbi you want to convert. DENIED! Its like the exclusive nightclub of religions. There’s a lineup of people wanting to get in, but not just anyone gets in. You have to know someone who knows someone. Sure, you can get into the Christian nightclub by flashing the bouncer your tits, but the Jewish doorman ain’t falling for it. You’ll have to learn and earn your way in. Years of study, proving that you are worthy of it.

And like any exclusive club, it comes with a better set of people than the one that lets any ol’ riff raff in. For example, you don’t read many stories like

A man has been left homeless after his trailer caught fire. Adam Goldberg is looking for new accomodations after his double-wide was burned to the ground after he got drunk on moonshine, passed out and knocked over his lit menorah

Or

Mordechai Silverstein has been killed from a flying tire while sitting on the roof of his RV at a recent NASCAR event. Mr Silverstein was at the event celebrating his sons mitvah.

Either headline I’m sure appears in Baptist church circulars on a regular basis.

So becoming Jewish is really the way to go. You get the people, the learning and more holidays than you can shake a stick at. And they have quite non-english named to them, so feel free to make up some of your own. I am told by other Yiddish faithfuls that really the only thing that is a must for a Jewish holiday is drinking.
And, most importantly in a faith, I wouldn’t want to belong to any religion that would have me as a member.