Government Math
Man do I love government. All levels, really, but the larger it gets, the more ridiculous. My all-time favorite are cigarettes. Years ago the the government started outlawing cigarettes in bars. Then restaurants. Now out on open-air patios, and there is a pilot program to make it illegal to smoke in your own car with a child in it. Even when I was a smoker myself, I must admit that not smoking in a bar made thing better. My issue is not getting rid of the smokers, ’cause nothing brings a people together more than creating pariahs. No, my problem is all the “we are doing this for your health” bullshit. The government is really concerned about your health. No really. Not MORE than the money it gets, but just almost as much. You are only one pee-on, whereas the tobacco companies pay oodles more taxes than you do.
Seriously, stop putting the happy we give a shit about you face on it. Just make the things illegal if you are really concerned for the populace, or shut up and let people be.
Next up is a lower form of government (pun intended) in provincial. You ever notice how “zero tolerance” is one of those great phrases you can throw around to make yourself sound all serious? On the news today was the RCMP saying they are out “enforcing our zero tolerance” drinking and driving policy. Again, no problems here. Keep the streets safe from them, just stop doing creative math with things.
In the same sentence as “zero tolerance”, the same RCMP spokesman said “a couple glasses of wine with dinner is fine, but much more than that and you may want to think about driving”. Wow, that is VERY zero-tolerance. A couple glasses of wine and you “may want to think” about not driving. Not “a glass of wine is too much”, not “drink anything and don’t drive”. No, the government math says a couple (heck, maybe a “few” or even “some”) equals zero. Fantastic. And not “don’t drive” but, if it, you know, comes up in conversation that you happened to be tanked out of your gourd, then think about it. Don’t go out of your way. If its not cool, you know, thats fine. Awesome.
That same day I drive down because my ultra awesome employer likes us to have a beer Friday afternoons. I go to a government liquor store. Not a beer and wine store, not a liquor store with one of those logos that unless you look really really carefully looks exactly like the BCLB sign so you go right in thinking “awesome, I’m not going to get screwed by one of those crappy beer and wine stores that…oh”, no a real through and through government liquor store. After giving some change to a minor hockey league team (and whats with that anyway? If you’re trying to get money from people based on the idea that people will give because they feel guilt for simply being there, go hang out at a peep-show. Just saying.) I go inside. Not a foot from the door and I am offered wine. Only a “taste” but there are 5-different bottles to taste! 5 equals zero, after all.
Is 5 little sips enough to make you swerve like a…well, a drunk? Hopefully not. The point is, the government has a policy it clearly violates by allowing these. And its always wine too. I guess if you drink wine and drive the theory goes you can afford to pay the fine, whereas if you were the sort to try beer, you can barely afford plates for your 1989 Camaro anyway and you’ll likely end up in the drunk tank when you come from the strippers after a long day doing whatever it is you blue-collar people do for work. Hammering, perhaps. Or sawing of some sort.
And why only the one vice? Why not allow 7-11 to start having cigarette tastings if they want:
“Yes, I’d like a week old taqito (tacito?) please?”
“Of course sir, and would you like to try DuMaurier Extra Lights?”
“Well sure. Mmmmm….this has some good legs…nice nose…I can taste leather and maybe…is that arsenic? But I am really not liking the finish on this one. Can we whip out a pack of Kools?”
“Yes, I have some here a very good year for them. Mint is the new red you know”
“Hm, interesting. Yes, quite”
To recap, I cannot smoke where I want to because the money I pay in taxes is paltry compared to a tobacco company, the federal police force has a zero tolerance policy that, according to said federal police force, can include “a couple” glasses of wine (one wonders how the radical beer lobby hasn’t seized on this yet), and another government institution wants to give me liquor then let me whip around the unsafe streets dodging other plastered motorists.
The only way giving out liquor in a place where 90% of the people have driven there, is that they can simply push the responsibility off on the public. Like the lottery corporation does. Official BC Lottery Corporation slogan? “Know Your Limit, Play Within It”. Fantastic. Because really, its all your fault. Yes, we advertise these relentlessly, yes we spend your tax dollars to do so, yes we go after advertisers who prey on the public with realistic expectations for other products, but if spend too much money, well heck, thats your fault. Please keep buying the tickets, though…..just you know, know your limit.
“Ahhh come on…..can’t you let me off with a warning?”
“Absolutely not! We have a zero-tolerance policy on this!”
“But I only hacked up a couple of bodies”
“Oh well….did you use a chipper?”
“Yes”
“Were you drinking while operating it?”
“No”
“Very well then have a good night.”